Big Cottonwood Half

The two days before the race were basically chaos. I had to pack both of the girls for an entire week and then myself for Hawaii along with my race stuff. I was trying to get all of the laundry done and the house cleaned so we would come home to a clean house. I felt like my list was a mile long and it wasn't ever going to end. I was pretty tired.

I took the girls with me to packet pick up Friday morning where we grabbed my packet and then found a few $2 shirts from past years races. I grabbed 2 long sleeves for Kelsey and I so we would have shirts to wear and could drop them roadside on the race. Then we made our way to Trader Joe's for some snacks and treats. I had everything packed and ready to go that evening and my sister Ayrika and her husband Matt came over around 7 to stay with the girls.

I drove up to our hotel in Middle, the Crystal Inn. I checked in, went and saw David and Kelsey in their room and then put myself to bed at 9. Bob had a conference in Colorado that day and he flew in that evening. The shuttle picked him up and he got there around 10:30.

My alarm was set for 3:20 since we had to meet the shuttle outside the hotel at 4:00. I woke up at 3:00 to noises from the room above us. They were getting ready early and loudly and I was too nervous to go back to sleep. I went downstairs and filled my water bottle with ice and water. The hotel provided a race day breakfast which was super nice. I had part of a bagel with cream cheese.

I finished getting ready and met Kelsey downstairs. We got on the bus and chatted about our nerves, the race, & Hawaii as we made our way up the canyon. It was awesome that the bus took us directly from our hotel to the start. Our bus was having some serious engine issues though. We pulled off to the side and about 10 other busses whizzed past us. I'm not going to complain though, because when I got off the bus, it was freezing. I had to part ways with Kelsey as she made her way up the canyon to the Marathon start.

I made my way to the bathrooms and then found a spot to sit down. I had my tank, a long sleeve t-shirt, and two sweatshirts on. I was still freezing. I had planned on buying a cheap fleece blanket and bringing it up, but spaced it with everything else I had going on. If I ever run again - I will definitely bring one. I met a couple other ladies who were running the race and we talked about previous races we had run. It helped the time to go by much quicker.

About 20 minutes before the race I spotted Bob's cousin Cory and his cousin Mitch's wife Stacey. I knew they were going to be there, but they didn't bring their phones up so it was a miracle I found them. We lined back up for the bathrooms and then before we knew it, the race was about to start. I didn't have my watch ready and I felt like I was starting unprepared.  I was still freezing and decided to wear the long sleeve t shirt.

I ran the first half mile with Cory and Stacey and then decided to take off. My game plan was to take it easy and listen to my body. For the last couple weeks my right foot has hurt under my arch. But the couple of times that I did go running, it didn't hurt. My first 2 miles were slower than my normal race pace and I felt great (9:25 & 8:57). The canyon is pretty steep, and I started to pick up speed and just went with it.

Did I mention that I was still freezing? In the crazy of the race starting and me not totally being prepared (which is crazy since I sat there for like an hour...) my gloves ended up in my drop bag. My hands and legs were so cold. I wore the ugly hat that they gave out at the expo and was glad to have it for the first few miles. I made sure to walk through all of the aid stations. I always go for water. I felt sick when I drank gatorade during one race and since then haven't drank it. I like the Honey Stinger chews and started eating them at mile 6 along with a few jelly beans.

Miles 5-8 were very fast and probably the fastest I have ever ran in my life. When we came out of the canyon I was pleasantly surprised that it wasn't warm at all, and I continued to run in my long sleeve shirt. I also enjoyed that once we left the canyon it was flat or had a slight downhill. The course was beautiful and fast. I put my headphones in at mile 10 and was starting to get warm. But I didn't want to mess with slowing down to take my shirt off so I just dealt with it. It was crazy to be running down the middle of a busy road, but it gave me something new to distract myself. There were police all over directing traffic and families cheering on the side of the road.  I was definitely dying the last mile and ready to be done. As I ran down the street with people cheering, I looked for Bob but didn't see him. But I found him quickly after. My pictures from the finish line are anything but smiles. I was dead and even though I was happy to see the end, I couldn't muster a smile. I was very happy with my time, as it is a new PR. I ran the race in 1:43:30 and my average pace was 7:56.

It was so fun to stay at the race afterwards - usually I run home to my kids. This was also Bob's first time being at the finish of one of my half marathons. The best tasting thing there was the Kodiak pancakes which I am already a huge fan of. But I had never tasted their syrup before and wow - I am sold. The pizza did not look appetizing after running a half - but after sticking around for an hour I made my way back into the food area and had a piece. We were able to cheer in Stacy and Cory and then a little while later Kelsey as she finished her first marathon. I am so impressed with her as she qualified for Boston on her first marathon. She put in a lot of time and hard work, and I knew she could do it. We were both so exhausted and excited to be on our way to Hawaii. The shuttle system back to our hotel was pretty much awful. There was so much congestion and it took a very long hour. We literally had 15 minutes to shower and then we had to leave. The cleaning ladies were knocking while I was finishing getting ready.

Unfortunately I woke up the next day and when I tried to walk - I realized that my 'minor foot pain'  was bigger than I thought and I definitely hurt it running the race. I'm not sure but I am thinking it's a stress fracture. It's not swollen or bruised, but it hurts every time I step. The entire time we were in Hawaii I was hobbling around on a very sore foot. I am so sad that I am going to have to stop running for a while. I am giving myself a week of rest at home (since that wasn't on the agenda in Hawaii) and if it still hurts, I'll see a doctor. I am super bummed to be ending this year of running because of an injury. But I am proud of the progress I made this year in running.

Last October, I ran my first half in 2:07 - less than a year later I ran the Big Cottonwood in 1:43. I definitely have goals for the future (they do NOT include a marathon) and hope to be running again when my foot is completely healed.

Hobble Creek Half

I woke up at 4:30 and quickly got ready. I had started wearing a new pair of shoes a couple weeks ago that had added support to them. I spent a few minutes debating between wearing them and my other shoes that don't have support - but feel much lighter and cooler. I finally decided on the support shoes because if I need support, I don't want to injure myself especially with another race 3 weeks away.

I drank some water and ate a piece of bread with peanut butter on it before I left. The best thing about this race is the fact that the finish line was only 5 minutes from my house. I parked and started walking to the buses when I saw Natalie, Andrea's sister in law. I joined her and her friend Monica for the bus ride. The people behind us commented on how we had been driving forever. Bob drove me up 12 miles a couple weeks ago for my last long run, so I was glad I was already familiar with the course.

We got off the bus as far as it could take us- which wasn't the actual start. We walked up the rest of the course for a few minutes, which I actually enjoyed. I only wish I could've walked right up and started running right after. It was cold when we started walking and my body warmed up with the uphill climb. But when we got to the start, we had about 30 minutes before the race began.

The person (race director?) talking at the start was a little too quiet, and I don't think they got everyone's attention when they needed to. We didn't hear them announce anything and luckily got our bags in the trailer before it took off. I saw at least 10 people who ended up having to run with their bags because they didn't get them in the trailer in time. The race started a few minutes late. My watch said 7:04. I have no idea if there was an air gun or just a vocal start, because I didn't hear it.

I always try to start my run with no music and then add it when I am struggling and need a distraction. I really enjoyed running the AF half because I ran with Laura and we talked for the first 8 miles. Running alone, I was worried that I would have too much time to think about the race and mess with my mind. The first few miles went quickly and it was chilly. I don't mind being cold when I run - it's far better than being hot. My first mile was great, and the next two were a little bit faster than I would've liked.  There was another woman who was running my same pace. We went back and forth passing each other and talking in between. The first 6 miles were mostly downhill. When we got to the golf course there were a few uphills. We got on the paved trail around mile 8 and there were some rolling hills there. Even though I knew they were there I definitely had to power through and kept telling myself that if I ran it up slow it still would be faster than walking it. We turned left at the Springville Reservoir where I turned on my music and then later got on the new Mapleton paved trail. I had never run on it before and this was my hardest mile. It was flat, but I was so tired at this point, definitely because I went too fast at the beginning. I ran through the 1st aid station and basically choked on my water, so I made sure to walk through the rest. On the last aid station I probably walked a little too slow, but I was dead. The last mile luckily was down Maple street and had a slight downhill to it. I tried to push the pace, but I was definitely losing steam. As I turned at the white church, there was Laura and my girls. It gave me a much needed final boost to the finish. I didn't love that the finish was on the grass, but only because I never run on grass so it was different from my norm. When I looked up at the time I saw the clock go from 1:45 to 1:46 and then I crossed the finish. When I stopped my watch it said 1:45:49 - since I started a little after the gun went off. I was happy to see that I finished in the top 100 and got an Elite 100 Medal.

My goal going into this race was to beat my previous time which was 1:50, and my average pace per mile was 8:26. For Hobble, I wanted to start out my first mile at 8:30 and then take a few seconds off each mile. I do a lot of negative split workouts and know that I can do it. I knew there would be pacers at the race, but was sad to see they only had them for every 10 minutes. I knew there was no way I could run a 1:40, but was thinking I could be close to 1:45. I passed the 1:50 pacer at mile 5 and didn't look back. When I run, I look at my current pace and what I run each mile in, but I try not to look at the total amount of time. I have goals, but I also just want to enjoy the race.

My splits were:
1 - 8:37
2 - 8:11
3 - 8:12
4 - 8:03
5 - 7:58
6 - 7:54
7 - 8:04
8 - 7:53
9 - 7:54
10 - 8:14
11 - 8:15
12 - 8:43
13 - 7:49

I didn't have anything to put for the last .1 - my Garmin only made it to 13 miles. I have run a few races, but I don't get everything about them just yet. I heard them talking about how the course was 13.1 miles, but you had to follow the tangents just right. Since my watch came up short, I'm assuming they measured the tangents by the longest part of the course? So if you took the insides, you didn't quite reach the total 13.1? I am not sure. But on the AF canyon half my watch only reached 13.08 so it was short also. Which is so annoying to me, because my watch won't record my "best half marathon" time because it doesn't think I have ran one.

When the official race times came out, they realized that they pad at the start, didn't work so all of the times listed online were gun times - not chip times. Which is too bad for people who started at the back or didn't have a watch to tell them their accurate time. Online my time was 1:46:11 which was a 22 second difference from my watch and when I began the race.

AF Canyon Half 2016

About 10 days before the AF half, my friend Laura text me that her friend wasn't going to be able to run the race and that I could have her spot. I was excited to run this half because I had heard great things about it. But I quickly got nervous because I hadn't been running in preparation for a half that soon. I had become more consistent with my running in April but I just started running a specific half marathon training 2 weeks prior for the Cottonwood half on September 10th. My longest run this year had been a 10 miler down Hobble Creek the week before. I knew I could run the half - I just wasn't sure what my time would be like.

Race Expo the day before. Laura, Racheal, Jaimee, and me.

 Last fall I ran my first half, the Halloween Half down Provo Canyon. I ran the race in 2:07. I ended up using the bathroom in the last 3 miles and there was a giant hill at the end that was really hard and I ended up walking. I felt great about my time, but I definitely wanted the sub 2 hours. As I have been preparing for my upcoming half, my main goal was under 2. And sometimes I thought about shooting for 1:55. I used the website racesmartpacebands.com to look up the course elevation and they determine what paces each mile should be based on elevation to achieve your goals. My main goal was to break 2, but I wrote down the times for a 1:55 half.

The night before the race Bob smoked ribs, and we had corn, cantaloupe, bread, and then Cold Stone ice cream for dessert. I went to bed at 9:30 and woke up to Ruby crying at 2:55, just 5 minutes before my alarm was supposed to go off. I quickly got ready and went to the kitchen. I didn't plan well for what I should eat before the race. Normally, I wake up and run. I don't eat. But I figured I should eat something. Unfortunately my bananas were in banana bread stage so they were out. I ate a piece of bread and grabbed a chocolate chip cookie from the pantry I had bought the day before from the bakery.

I left at 3:45 for Art Dye Park in AF. I ate 1/4 of the cookie and a little bit more bread. I also drank a little water.  I got there at 4:10 and about 10 minutes later met up with Laura and Racheal at the busses. The bus ride brought the butterflies in my stomach and I started to get excited and nervous. We got to the starting point around 5:20 and used the bathrooms and then sat down to wait out the last half hour. (I had to rewrite my pace goals on my hand since they washed off with the hand sanitizer after using the bathroom. Laura and Racheal told me I was crazy.) We met up with Jaimee at this point too. I was running in her mom's place as she had flown out of state to be with her daughter after having a baby.

Right before the race started. Jamie, me, Laura, & Racheal. 

The race started promptly at 6:00 and we were off. The four of us ran together for the first couple miles and then we separated. As we ran down the canyon I kept reminding myself to enjoy it while it lasts. There is nothing better than running down the canyon in the shade. My brother told me once that you should always start your race in the back, take the first mile a little slower and then work your way into your pace. And then you will pass people, instead of being passed at the end. My first mile was right on and then the next few were a little faster than what I had written down.  It's so hard to hold yourself back in a race when everyone is flying by.

The AF Canyon Run is for cancer. All of the money raised goes to cancer patients. Along the route probably every quarter mile there is a sign about cancer. Some were stories, and some said plain and simple, "Cancer Sucks." I loved these because it took your mind off of the fact that you were running and you thought about something or someone besides yourself. I thought a lot about friends and family members who are dealing with or have dealt with cancer.

I skipped the first and the last aid station but stopped and walked through the 4 in the middle. Around mile 4 we passed the 2 hour pacers. I told Laura, we are good as long as we can stay in front of them. At mile 6 I ate a few jelly beans. We left the canyon somewhere around mile 7 and then joined a trail of rolling hills. I didn't mind it because for the most part it was covered and still shady. When we first got on the trail the drum line from AF High was playing and it was so neat and motivating. Laura and I parted ways right before mile 9.

I honestly felt great and was loving the entire run. Mile 10 had a little bit of a downhill to it and at the end I passed the 1:55 pacer. I couldn't believe it. When I saw her, I told her I was so happy to see her. She said she was a little bit ahead of schedule because the course was long. That instantly got in my head. I was mad she told me. Even though I felt great, I didn't want to run one foot more than 13.1 miles. I never looked at the total time on my watch. I just kept casually looking at the mile split and didn't try to think too much about it. Mile 12 was through a neighborhood which had a slight incline and even though it wasn't much, I still felt it.

The last mile was on Murdock Canal trail & American Fork trail and we joined up with the 10k, and maybe the 5k? This is the only part of the race that I didn't enjoy. We were on a small trail and there were a ton of people. I had to weave in and out of people which was a little annoying. But there was some downhill which was nice. When I saw the mile marker for 6, I knew that the finish was around the corner. I never saw the Mile 13 sign, but it should've been the same for Mile 6 of the 10k. I kicked it into high gear and pushed myself to the finish. I seriously felt so good. Normally at the end of the race I want to push it, but I'm out of gas by that point. I crossed the finish, grabbed a cool towel and my medal. I pushed stop on my watch and couldn't believe it said 1:50. This was huge for me. I was hoping for a sub 2, and thought 1:55 would be a long shot.

I got a little emotional as I thought about how far I have come. I have come a long way and I am proud of all the hard work I have put in. I can't wait for my next half.

Mile     Goal pace     Actual pace
1           8:50              8:50
2           8:58              8:34
3           9:00              8:49
4           8:44              8:18
5           8:28              8:12
6           8:28              8:24
7           8:50              8:31
8           9:00              8:57
9           9:06              8:47
10         9:03              7:59
11         9:14              8:11
12         9:03              8:40
13         9:11              7:48
 .1           :58                :30

At the end with Laura, I was so happy that she had a new PR too and came in under 2 hours!

our new home

In December of 2014 we started looking for homes. We searched high and low for something that would work for our family, appealed to both Bob and I, and fit within our budget. We put a couple offers on a couple different houses, but nothing ended up working out. The last house we put an offer on was near the pharmacy and when it didn't go through, we decided to build near there.

Bob works 10 hour shifts and the pharmacy is open 9-7. This puts him home anywhere between 7 and 7:30 each night. One thing that I really want, is to have dinner together as a family. If we live close to the pharmacy, then that will more likely happen when Bob can be home within 5 minutes of work being over. 

So we met with our builders in August, picked out our lot, and went to the design center. Our lot is in Spanish Fork, on the border of Mapleton and Spanish Fork. We waited for months and nothing happened until December and then our house took off. We are hoping to move in the first week of March. We are excited for more space, a 2nd bathroom, a garage so there will be no more scraping snow off our cars (even though hopefully the snow will be done by that point) and to live in a neighborhood with young families. 

Here is the floor plan for our house. Except our house is flipped. 

December 2nd, 2015

December 4th, 2015

December 10th, 2015

December 28th, 2015

January 6th, 2016

January 9th, 2016

January 12th, 2016

January 29th, 2016

Ruby Marie 1.25

Ruby graduated from being a vampire and finally got her 2 top teeth at 14 months. She has 6 teeth in total, 4 on top and 2 on the bottom.

She loves to snack on cereal, corn, peas, graham crackers, bell peppers, frozen gogurts, and drink from my water cup.

Now that she is walking, she is always chasing Olivia round and watching to be doing what she is doing. She is always wanting to drink from Olivia's cup, which has been great as I have started weaning her from using a bottle.

She is still napping twice a day, but I think we are almost to the point of transitioning to just an afternoon nap. She goes to bed around 7:45-8:00 each night and wakes up between 7:00 and 8:00 in the morning.

She doesn't talk too much. Actually, she talks a ton, but not too many words we actually understand. Her words are ma ma, da da, hi, ball, book. She loves to wave bye bye, and do the actions to "If You're Happy and You Know it."

I love how excited she gets when she see's Olivia after naps, or after Olivia wakes up in the morning. You can tell that she truly loves her sister. I just can't wait until they can have conversations with one another.

She wears size 3 diapers, size 2-3 in shoes and 12 month clothes.

Ruby is always making messes. She loves to get into Olivia's closet and pull all of her shoes and underwear out.

Ruby loves books and can be found in her room sitting by the book shelf with all of the books pulled off, flipping through pages. She especially loves the books that have something to touch.

Her skin has been really dry this winter. I find patches of dry skin all over and have been trying to put some thick moisturizing lotion on her.

She is usually always happy, unless she is tired or hungry - or needs a little loving. She is definitely a cuddly little girl and likes to snuggle.

She does awful with 11 church and I'm counting down the months until nursery. Only 3 more months, and 2 until I can start going wit her.

Ruby absolutely loves her new cousin Davis.

Olivia Faye 3.25

Olivia loves giving compliments. Maybe she just saw me as a blob on the couch for the last couple months so lately when I'm ready, she'll say, "Mom I love your shirt." "Mom, your hair looks nice." And just yesterday she asked if she could pick out my shirt for the day. She picked a light pink striped shirt and then requested that I wear a pair of neon flip flops with it. 

She isn't too picky and will usually eat whatever we are eating. Her favorite foods right now are oatmeal, yogurt, corn, pb & honey sandwiches, bell peppers, waffles, chocolate milk, cheetos and anything sugary. 

It is so fun to watch her play. She loves all things princess and dressing up. She doesn't last long in her dresses, and changes from one to another every couple minutes. Lately she has been upping her game and doing some pretty hard puzzles. She got a bunch of puzzles for Christmas and she can do them without looking the picture. She has also started recognizing different letters and numbers. 

She started going to Primary at the beginning of the month and loves her teachers. It's fun to hear her sing a few words of new songs she is learning in singing time. When we walk her into the Primary room she instantly looks for 'her twins.' I'm hoping its an easy transition to our new ward, but I know that she is really going to miss her friends from our current ward. 

Ruby can now get around with ease and is always following Olivia around. They play pretty good for about 10 minutes at a time, and then Olivia needs a break. She sits at the table where Ruby can't reach her until she is ready to join her on the floor again.

Olivia started a new dance class. Her last dance class was a great beginner 2 year old class where they basically ran around and danced to Disney Princess songs. Her new class is a bit more structured and I'm excited to see what she learns. For the first 10 minutes or so, they play with dolls as everyone arrives. She gets a little nervous around the other girls, and I'm hoping that this class will help her break out of her comfort zone. 

She has completely quit taking naps in the afternoons. We are trying to implement quiet time, but I haven't been the best and plan to put together a box of activities to help implement. The hard thing though is if we leave to go anywhere after 4 pm, she instantly falls asleep in the car. Occasionally she will fall asleep in the afternoons. (Usually on Sunday's when Bob and I are both resting.) 

Olivia is getting more and more independent. She wants to do anything and everything. She loves helping me in the kitchen. 

sweet baby #3

November 29th, 2015


Today I found out that another baby will be joining our family in 9 months. My cycle returned right after I stopped nursing Ruby in the middle of October. I started getting serious about losing my baby weight from Ruby too. I was cutting back my calories, and doing the 21 day fix with my friend Carly. I reduced my calories but was still feeling hungry. I kept trying to snack on healthy foods. I realized I was supposed to start my period sometime around Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving came and went so I decided to test. I wasn't sure what my cycle would be like since it was my first in almost 2 years. I really didn't think I was pregnant because I only get pregnant when I am off sugar and flour. I definitely am not in "get pregnant diet mode."

A quick selfie before we went in for the ultrasound. 

I woke up and took the pregnancy test. As I waited, I couldn't help feel a bit of anxiety. It reminded me of taking pregnancy tests when we were trying for Olivia. When I looked at the test and saw the faded 2nd line, I was completely in shock. 

I've been having a lot of selfish feelings. Saying that I didn't want to get pregnant for at least another 6 months. I wanted to lose 20 pounds and to enjoy having my body to myself for a little while. Well jokes on me. I can't believe I am starting my pregnancy 20 pounds over weight. 

All day long I've been feeling highs and lows. Im so excited for a new baby. But I still feel like Ruby is my baby. She is not walking or talking so she still feels so young to me. I also am not sure I'm ready for 3 kids!!! Olivia will be 3 and Ruby will be 21 months when baby arrives.  Where will we put the third car seat? How will I go anywhere?

My due date is around August 6th. I keep thinking of how I am pregnant at the same time as Andrea and my sister inlaw Kelsey who are both due next week. Ha. They are both having boys so it would be a lot of fun to have a boy. But we will be happy with either. 

Bob is seriously so excited. He has been on cloud nine all day. I've been a mess with my emotions all over the place. 

We are flying home to Washington on the 17th and I'll be 7 weeks. We went home when I was 6-7 weeks pregnant with Ruby. I would love to be able to keep this pregnancy a secret until the first trimester. But I'm not sure how I'll be feeling that week. 

One thing is I really feel guilty that I'm pregnant when I wasn't trying or ready. I am heartbroken for a few friends who want nothing more than a baby and this one came so easy for us. I know the pain of trying and waiting month after month. 

December 14th, 2015

I have been completely exhausted and nauseous throughout the day. So we decided to tell Bob's family before we arrive in Washington. Bob loves to plan out the food for our trips home and usually writes up a menu for his Mom. So he sent out this email like he normally does and then we waited. It was fun to see the congratulations trickle in. Everyone was excited for our new addition. 

December 25th, 2015

We decided to wait to tell my family since Andrea had just had a baby and Ayrika was getting married at the end of December. On Christmas morning I decided to let everyone know and wore my "I'm So Pregnant" shirt. When I gave my mom her present I took my sweatshirt off. Everyone was so excited to hear our news. 

January 6th, 2016

Apparently I am experiencing a missed miscarriage. On Monday the 4th I went to my first appointment with my OB and he scheduled me for an early ultrasound. He said the exact same thing when I went in for my first appointment with Ruby. {Most insurances won't cover an early ultrasound. But I like you to have them to give peace of mind and to see the heartbeat. I'm going to say you are small to date and that will make it so they will pay for your ultrasound.} He said this before he checked me and laughingly told me my uterus was obviously getting bigger. 

That afternoon we dropped the girls off at my parents and off we went to see our baby. I told Bob I knew it wasn't likely but if it was twins I didn't think I could handle it. I was already filing a little overwhelmed with this surprise baby and how close the last two would be. I had drank my requested 4-5 cups of water and my small bladder was about to burst. We waited at least 15 minutes past our scheduled time and I thought I was going to die. I was basically dancing as we gave him out insurance card and filled out the paper work.

"You're here because your small for dates?" Yes. (YES we are, hurry and look at the baby I'm about to pee I'm thinking in my mind.) Finally he puts some gel on my belly and starts the ultrasound. He acknowledges my too full bladder and then says "Oh that baby is too small." As I looked at the screen I immediately recognized that it's not a 9 week baby. He tells me I can go pee and I walk to the bathroom knowing that we are going home without a picture of our baby. 

The rest of the ultrasound was awful. I'm sure he couldn't say anything but he kept saying, "Baby just isn't where it's supposed to be. Come back in a week and we will see if it's grown. I see this all of the time." I asked him if that was common when the dates were over 3 weeks different. To which I didn't get a great response.  And occasionally he would say "Maybe baby stopped growing." Our baby measured 5w6d and that day I should've been 9w2d. I knew that my dates were on, and I knew in my heart that there wasn't going to be a change in a week. The worst part is this guy just keeps measuring and talking as though nothing even happened. He doesn't acknowledge that I'm crying as I lay there the entire time or even offer me a tissue. I went to the bathroom 2 additional times and both times he expected me to lay back down and check one more time. And then he says that I was 'obviously sent there because I was too small for dates.' 

It's been a full day since we found out. The hardest part for me is that my body still thinks I'm pregnant. I am still exhausted, I have nausea on and off throughout the day, and smells still get the best of me. This morning I about threw up my breakfast and I couldn't help but cry and think how not fair this is. I hate that I am continuing to have pregnancy symptoms when the baby didn't make it. I know that miscarriage is common and it happens to a lot of women. You just never expect it to happen to you. 

I hate that I have to wait another week before anything can happen. I know the reasoning and obviously I want to be 100% before any action is taken. It's just hard. 

For the last 5 weeks I have been planning out our future life of a family of 5. 3 little kids would be a part of our family. It's been hard to try and change the mindset that I have developed over the last month. I have been trying to count my blessings and snuggling with my girls as often as possible. We basically didn't leave the couch all day yesterday. 

Besides our immediate family, I had told a couple close friends and cousins. For some dumb reason I hated telling them that I had miscarried. These are people that I love and I know that they love me. Why would I feel like it was a burden to tell them? I honestly didn't want them to feel bad or have to think of something nice to say to me. I hate that I felt this way. 

So far as I've been thinking about this trial, I've come to the realization (yet again) that I am not in control. As much as I like to think I am at times. I'm grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who can see the whole picture and who loves and gives comfort during hard times. I know that another baby will join our family someday.

January 17th, 2016

Last Tuesday (12th) we went back to see Jay for our follow up ultrasound. I was mentally prepared for there to be no change and I was ready to begin the next step- whatever that would be. 

He measured the baby, that you could hardly even see on the ultrasound and the baby measured the same. He asked if I had had any back aches because he could see some blood pooling and that my body might be finally realizing what was happening. Thankfully this appointment went a lot better and Jay's bedside manner didn't send me to tears like last time. 

A few tears fell as he finished the ultrasound as the realization of our pregnancy ending finally set in. I was fine until I had to talk to Dr. Nance on the phone as we discussed my options. I could wait it out or go for a D&C. I told him I'd like to wait a week and then if nothing happens I'd schedule the D&C. It's been super hard carrying this baby, knowing there wasn't a heartbeat. 

The next day I had a lot of back pain and I was hopeful that I'd go on my own. But since then I haven't had any cramping or back pain. I'm not surprised though. My body doesn't go into labor on it's own when I'm ready to deliver a full term baby either. Tomorrow I call Dr. Nance's office to schedule the D&C for Wednesday. 

This week I ended up telling a few of my friends in the ward who I see often. It's not something that I want to keep from people, but at the same time it's hard to start a conversation with, 'Oh by the way I'm having a miscarriage.' I was met with an out pouring of love. Meals were offered, Olivia was picked up for play dates and tears were shed together. I'm so grateful for good friends who have supported me during his time. One friend asked if she could tell the Relief Society Presidency.  My initial reaction was no, but I remember my time as a counselor and how grateful I was for information about the sisters in the ward who were having a hard time. 

The RS president came over one night this week and brought a blanket. Her visit was short and sweet, but it reminded me of the importance of a ward family. And how we look out for each other. It also made me sad to think we will be leaving this ward next month and how change can be hard. Sister Andrew is also my Grandma's visiting teacher. I told her of how excited I was to tell my Grandma that we were going to have another baby. And now I feel like I can't tell her we lost the baby. She loves my kids so much and I know it would be hard on her. 

A couple days after our first ultrasound, a package of maternity shirts showed up. I had bought some long sleeved shirts from the Gap and I had forgotten about them. I couldn't take them back because I used my Gap reward money on them so I didn't end up paying enough to make the return worth it. So I've been lounging in my new shirts for the last couple weeks, taking advantage until I'm officially not pregnant anymore. 

January 18th, 2016

I went to the dentist today. I didn't want to go and thought that having a miscarriage was a pretty good excuse to miss my appointment. I decided to be a responsible adult and go. The dentist and I got talking and I told him how I switched appointments with Olivia last week because I didn't want to go. He always laughs at my fear and hatred of going to the dentist. As we were talking we heard an older gentlemen talk about how he had the dentist today and his wife's surgery tomorrow. My dentist looked at me and said, "it could be worse Alyse" and I could only laugh and say "if you only knew." I'm glad that I could laugh and not burst into tears two days before my D&C. 

A few days after I found out the baby was no longer alive, I saw a pregnancy announcement on Instagram. This girl and I got married within a few months of each other and she was announcing a surprise pregnancy, due in August. It was one of those things that instantly brought me to tears. I think because there were so many similarities that was what made it so hard. It made this miscarriage so much more real seeing her ultrasound for her August baby.  As most people do, I've been thinking of all the different ways we could announce our pregnancy, and now it isn't happening anymore. I would be 12 weeks on Sunday if this baby had made it. I am trying to mentally prepare myself for the August baby announcements to start showing up more often. I am not in a place of bitterness, I am happy for those who are announcing. It's just a little hard on my momma heart when I think of what might've been. 

My two freshman roommates Leandra and Kandice who I love so much, both have two daughters. They are both pregnant with their third and are having girls. I couldn't help but think how fun it would be if we all had girls and continued the girl streak. Obviously I can still hope to do that later. But that has been one thing that I thought about a lot those first few weeks.

January 20th, 2016

We woke up early and got the kids to Andrea's by 7:45. We were to check in at the hospital by 8:15. The D&C was taking place in the same building that I do all of my pregnancy lab work in. (Which also is the surgical center for Utah Valley.) I had to have some blood work done before we headed up to the 4th floor for surgery. When we got to the 4th floor you could hear a bunch of kids screaming as they came out of anesthesia. I thought it was a little ironic that I was there for my D&C and there were babies crying. We quickly got checked in and before I knew it I had my IV in, and was waiting for Dr. Nance. At 10, they wheeled me back and after a quick blink I was waking up in the recovery room at 11. I woke up feeling great, since it was so short, the anesthesia didn't get me like it has in the past. Bob and I were home and had lunch by 12:30. I napped and read for the rest of the day. It was definitely an emotional day. But it had been 2 weeks since we had found out so I'm sure the day was easier than if we had found out more recently. I had hardly any pain. I felt more pain from my IV placement than I did the surgery. I consider it a blessing that the day went so smoothly and was relatively pain free. 

January 24th, 2016

It's easy to say, I am doing fine because a lot of the time I feel like I am. But every once in a while it hits hard and the tears don't stop easily. I am grateful for my testimony of the Gospel, and my knowledge of Forever Families. I might not get to enjoy and experience this baby here on the Earth, but I will be able to one day. This trial has given me a chance to reflect on a lot of things and I've learned a lot in the last few weeks. I truly am grateful for my Savior and his example. I am grateful for the Atonement so that we can make it back to live with our families one day.