Today I found out that another baby will be joining our family in 9 months. My cycle returned right after I stopped nursing Ruby in the middle of October. I started getting serious about losing my baby weight from Ruby too. I was cutting back my calories, and doing the 21 day fix with my friend Carly. I reduced my calories but was still feeling hungry. I kept trying to snack on healthy foods. I realized I was supposed to start my period sometime around Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving came and went so I decided to test. I wasn't sure what my cycle would be like since it was my first in almost 2 years. I really didn't think I was pregnant because I only get pregnant when I am off sugar and flour. I definitely am not in "get pregnant diet mode."
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| A quick selfie before we went in for the ultrasound. |
I woke up and took the pregnancy test. As I waited, I couldn't help feel a bit of anxiety. It reminded me of taking pregnancy tests when we were trying for Olivia. When I looked at the test and saw the faded 2nd line, I was completely in shock.
I've been having a lot of selfish feelings. Saying that I didn't want to get pregnant for at least another 6 months. I wanted to lose 20 pounds and to enjoy having my body to myself for a little while. Well jokes on me. I can't believe I am starting my pregnancy 20 pounds over weight.
Bob is seriously so excited. He has been on cloud nine all day. I've been a mess with my emotions all over the place.
We are flying home to Washington on the 17th and I'll be 7 weeks. We went home when I was 6-7 weeks pregnant with Ruby. I would love to be able to keep this pregnancy a secret until the first trimester. But I'm not sure how I'll be feeling that week.
One thing is I really feel guilty that I'm pregnant when I wasn't trying or ready. I am heartbroken for a few friends who want nothing more than a baby and this one came so easy for us. I know the pain of trying and waiting month after month.
December 14th, 2015
I have been completely exhausted and nauseous throughout the day. So we decided to tell Bob's family before we arrive in Washington. Bob loves to plan out the food for our trips home and usually writes up a menu for his Mom. So he sent out this email like he normally does and then we waited. It was fun to see the congratulations trickle in. Everyone was excited for our new addition.
December 25th, 2015
We decided to wait to tell my family since Andrea had just had a baby and Ayrika was getting married at the end of December. On Christmas morning I decided to let everyone know and wore my "I'm So Pregnant" shirt. When I gave my mom her present I took my sweatshirt off. Everyone was so excited to hear our news.
January 6th, 2016
Apparently I am experiencing a missed miscarriage. On Monday the 4th I went to my first appointment with my OB and he scheduled me for an early ultrasound. He said the exact same thing when I went in for my first appointment with Ruby. {Most insurances won't cover an early ultrasound. But I like you to have them to give peace of mind and to see the heartbeat. I'm going to say you are small to date and that will make it so they will pay for your ultrasound.} He said this before he checked me and laughingly told me my uterus was obviously getting bigger.
So far as I've been thinking about this trial, I've come to the realization (yet again) that I am not in control. As much as I like to think I am at times. I'm grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who can see the whole picture and who loves and gives comfort during hard times. I know that another baby will join our family someday.
That afternoon we dropped the girls off at my parents and off we went to see our baby. I told Bob I knew it wasn't likely but if it was twins I didn't think I could handle it. I was already filing a little overwhelmed with this surprise baby and how close the last two would be. I had drank my requested 4-5 cups of water and my small bladder was about to burst. We waited at least 15 minutes past our scheduled time and I thought I was going to die. I was basically dancing as we gave him out insurance card and filled out the paper work.
"You're here because your small for dates?" Yes. (YES we are, hurry and look at the baby I'm about to pee I'm thinking in my mind.) Finally he puts some gel on my belly and starts the ultrasound. He acknowledges my too full bladder and then says "Oh that baby is too small." As I looked at the screen I immediately recognized that it's not a 9 week baby. He tells me I can go pee and I walk to the bathroom knowing that we are going home without a picture of our baby.
The rest of the ultrasound was awful. I'm sure he couldn't say anything but he kept saying, "Baby just isn't where it's supposed to be. Come back in a week and we will see if it's grown. I see this all of the time." I asked him if that was common when the dates were over 3 weeks different. To which I didn't get a great response. And occasionally he would say "Maybe baby stopped growing." Our baby measured 5w6d and that day I should've been 9w2d. I knew that my dates were on, and I knew in my heart that there wasn't going to be a change in a week. The worst part is this guy just keeps measuring and talking as though nothing even happened. He doesn't acknowledge that I'm crying as I lay there the entire time or even offer me a tissue. I went to the bathroom 2 additional times and both times he expected me to lay back down and check one more time. And then he says that I was 'obviously sent there because I was too small for dates.'
It's been a full day since we found out. The hardest part for me is that my body still thinks I'm pregnant. I am still exhausted, I have nausea on and off throughout the day, and smells still get the best of me. This morning I about threw up my breakfast and I couldn't help but cry and think how not fair this is. I hate that I am continuing to have pregnancy symptoms when the baby didn't make it. I know that miscarriage is common and it happens to a lot of women. You just never expect it to happen to you.
I hate that I have to wait another week before anything can happen. I know the reasoning and obviously I want to be 100% before any action is taken. It's just hard.
For the last 5 weeks I have been planning out our future life of a family of 5. 3 little kids would be a part of our family. It's been hard to try and change the mindset that I have developed over the last month. I have been trying to count my blessings and snuggling with my girls as often as possible. We basically didn't leave the couch all day yesterday.
Besides our immediate family, I had told a couple close friends and cousins. For some dumb reason I hated telling them that I had miscarried. These are people that I love and I know that they love me. Why would I feel like it was a burden to tell them? I honestly didn't want them to feel bad or have to think of something nice to say to me. I hate that I felt this way.
January 17th, 2016
Last Tuesday (12th) we went back to see Jay for our follow up ultrasound. I was mentally prepared for there to be no change and I was ready to begin the next step- whatever that would be.
He measured the baby, that you could hardly even see on the ultrasound and the baby measured the same. He asked if I had had any back aches because he could see some blood pooling and that my body might be finally realizing what was happening. Thankfully this appointment went a lot better and Jay's bedside manner didn't send me to tears like last time.
A few tears fell as he finished the ultrasound as the realization of our pregnancy ending finally set in. I was fine until I had to talk to Dr. Nance on the phone as we discussed my options. I could wait it out or go for a D&C. I told him I'd like to wait a week and then if nothing happens I'd schedule the D&C. It's been super hard carrying this baby, knowing there wasn't a heartbeat.
The next day I had a lot of back pain and I was hopeful that I'd go on my own. But since then I haven't had any cramping or back pain. I'm not surprised though. My body doesn't go into labor on it's own when I'm ready to deliver a full term baby either. Tomorrow I call Dr. Nance's office to schedule the D&C for Wednesday.
This week I ended up telling a few of my friends in the ward who I see often. It's not something that I want to keep from people, but at the same time it's hard to start a conversation with, 'Oh by the way I'm having a miscarriage.' I was met with an out pouring of love. Meals were offered, Olivia was picked up for play dates and tears were shed together. I'm so grateful for good friends who have supported me during his time. One friend asked if she could tell the Relief Society Presidency. My initial reaction was no, but I remember my time as a counselor and how grateful I was for information about the sisters in the ward who were having a hard time.
The RS president came over one night this week and brought a blanket. Her visit was short and sweet, but it reminded me of the importance of a ward family. And how we look out for each other. It also made me sad to think we will be leaving this ward next month and how change can be hard. Sister Andrew is also my Grandma's visiting teacher. I told her of how excited I was to tell my Grandma that we were going to have another baby. And now I feel like I can't tell her we lost the baby. She loves my kids so much and I know it would be hard on her.
A couple days after our first ultrasound, a package of maternity shirts showed up. I had bought some long sleeved shirts from the Gap and I had forgotten about them. I couldn't take them back because I used my Gap reward money on them so I didn't end up paying enough to make the return worth it. So I've been lounging in my new shirts for the last couple weeks, taking advantage until I'm officially not pregnant anymore.
January 18th, 2016
I went to the dentist today. I didn't want to go and thought that having a miscarriage was a pretty good excuse to miss my appointment. I decided to be a responsible adult and go. The dentist and I got talking and I told him how I switched appointments with Olivia last week because I didn't want to go. He always laughs at my fear and hatred of going to the dentist. As we were talking we heard an older gentlemen talk about how he had the dentist today and his wife's surgery tomorrow. My dentist looked at me and said, "it could be worse Alyse" and I could only laugh and say "if you only knew." I'm glad that I could laugh and not burst into tears two days before my D&C.
A few days after I found out the baby was no longer alive, I saw a pregnancy announcement on Instagram. This girl and I got married within a few months of each other and she was announcing a surprise pregnancy, due in August. It was one of those things that instantly brought me to tears. I think because there were so many similarities that was what made it so hard. It made this miscarriage so much more real seeing her ultrasound for her August baby. As most people do, I've been thinking of all the different ways we could announce our pregnancy, and now it isn't happening anymore. I would be 12 weeks on Sunday if this baby had made it. I am trying to mentally prepare myself for the August baby announcements to start showing up more often. I am not in a place of bitterness, I am happy for those who are announcing. It's just a little hard on my momma heart when I think of what might've been.
It's easy to say, I am doing fine because a lot of the time I feel like I am. But every once in a while it hits hard and the tears don't stop easily. I am grateful for my testimony of the Gospel, and my knowledge of Forever Families. I might not get to enjoy and experience this baby here on the Earth, but I will be able to one day. This trial has given me a chance to reflect on a lot of things and I've learned a lot in the last few weeks. I truly am grateful for my Savior and his example. I am grateful for the Atonement so that we can make it back to live with our families one day.
My two freshman roommates Leandra and Kandice who I love so much, both have two daughters. They are both pregnant with their third and are having girls. I couldn't help but think how fun it would be if we all had girls and continued the girl streak. Obviously I can still hope to do that later. But that has been one thing that I thought about a lot those first few weeks.
January 20th, 2016
We woke up early and got the kids to Andrea's by 7:45. We were to check in at the hospital by 8:15. The D&C was taking place in the same building that I do all of my pregnancy lab work in. (Which also is the surgical center for Utah Valley.) I had to have some blood work done before we headed up to the 4th floor for surgery. When we got to the 4th floor you could hear a bunch of kids screaming as they came out of anesthesia. I thought it was a little ironic that I was there for my D&C and there were babies crying. We quickly got checked in and before I knew it I had my IV in, and was waiting for Dr. Nance. At 10, they wheeled me back and after a quick blink I was waking up in the recovery room at 11. I woke up feeling great, since it was so short, the anesthesia didn't get me like it has in the past. Bob and I were home and had lunch by 12:30. I napped and read for the rest of the day. It was definitely an emotional day. But it had been 2 weeks since we had found out so I'm sure the day was easier than if we had found out more recently. I had hardly any pain. I felt more pain from my IV placement than I did the surgery. I consider it a blessing that the day went so smoothly and was relatively pain free.
January 24th, 2016
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